Healing After Abuse: How the Three A’s Help You Make Sense of What Happened
Healing After Abuse: How the Three A’s Help You Make Sense of What Happened
Coming out of an abusive relationship can feel like standing in the wreckage of a life you thought you understood. Your mind is trying to piece together what was real, your body is on high alert, and your heart may be swinging between grief, anger, numbness and confusion.
If this is where you are right now, I want you to know: you’re not broken, and you’re not alone.
In this post, I’m going to share a gentle framework I use with clients who are healing after abuse. I call it The Three A’s:
Awareness
Acknowledgement
Acceptance
These aren’t rigid stages you have to “pass.” They’re more like signposts that can help you understand where you are and what you might need next.
When You First Sense Something Wasn’t Right
For many survivors, there’s a point where you can’t keep minimising what happened. Maybe a friend says something that lands differently. Maybe you read a post online and feel your stomach drop. Maybe you simply notice how exhausted and anxious you feel all the time.
However it arrives, this first realisation can be incredibly destabilising. The story you’ve been telling yourself – “we just had problems,” “I was too sensitive,” “every couple fights like this” – starts to crack.
That shakiness doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means your system is finally trying to line up with the truth.
The Three A’s: A Simple Map for Healing
The Three A’s offer a simple way to understand the inner journey after abuse:
Awareness – learning what abusive behaviour actually looks and feels like.
Acknowledgement – recognising how those behaviours showed up in your own relationship.
Acceptance – allowing yourself to know, “This really was abuse, and it has affected me.”
You might move back and forth between these, and that’s okay. Healing is rarely linear.
Awareness: Learning About Abuse
Awareness is about education and clarity.
At this stage you might:
Read books or articles about unhealthy and abusive dynamics
Learn about patterns like gaslighting, control, coercion, and emotional manipulation
Start to see the difference between healthy conflict and ongoing harm
Many women begin by thinking, “Maybe this is just how relationships are.” Awareness gently challenges that belief. You realise that love does not require constant fear, self-doubt, or walking on eggshells.
This can be painful, because it shines a light on things you may have been trying not to see. But it’s also empowering: the more you understand the pattern, the less you blame yourself.
Acknowledgement: Connecting It to Your Own Story
Once you understand abusive dynamics in general, you may start to notice how closely they resemble your own experience.
This is the stage where you might think:
“That sounds exactly like what happened to me.”
“I recognise those behaviours in my ex.”
“I didn’t realise it at the time, but that was not okay.”
Acknowledgement can bring up a lot of emotion – grief for what you went through, anger at how you were treated, shame for not seeing it sooner, or even relief that it finally makes sense.
All of these reactions are valid.
Acknowledgement is not about staying stuck in the past. It’s about finally naming what happened so you can begin to heal from it.
Acceptance: Letting Yourself Believe It
Acceptance is often the most tender part of the journey.
It’s the moment you allow yourself to say:
“What I went through was abuse, and it has left a mark on me.”
Acceptance does not mean:
Saying it was okay
Excusing the other person’s behaviour
Deciding you should be “over it” by now
Instead, acceptance opens the door to self-compassion. You stop dismissing your pain and start asking, “What support do I need?” and “How can I care for myself as I heal from this?”
From here, you can begin to rebuild your sense of self, your trust in your own perceptions, and your vision of what safe, respectful connection can look like in the future.
The Questions That Haunt Survivors
It’s incredibly common to wrestle with questions like:
“Was it really that bad?”
“Why didn’t I leave sooner?”
“Did I somehow cause their behaviour?”
“Am I exaggerating what happened?”
These questions are soaked in shame and confusion. They don’t prove that it wasn’t abuse – they show how deeply you were manipulated and hurt.
As you move through Awareness, Acknowledgement and Acceptance, you can begin to answer these questions from a place of truth and self-respect, rather than self-blame.
From Confusion to a New Story
Abuse can make you feel as though you’re living inside someone else’s story – one where your needs don’t matter and your reality is constantly questioned.
The Three A’s help you step out of that story and into your own.
With Awareness, you understand the pattern.
With Acknowledgement, you recognise your experience within it.
With Acceptance, you honour the impact it has had on you and give yourself permission to heal.
From there, you can begin to write a new chapter: one where your boundaries are respected, your feelings are taken seriously, and you are no longer defined by what was done to you.
You are allowed to move at your own pace. You are allowed to ask for support. And you are absolutely worthy of a life that feels safe, steady, and genuinely loving.
If you’d like support as you move through these stages, this is exactly the work I do in my mindset and healing sessions. You don’t have to navigate this alone.